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I love crackers and bread. If it can hold cheese, I’m on it. So I was excited to find this recipe for Norwegian Flatbread. Yey! It’s bread, it’s in my heritage quest, and the recipe says it’s good with mild cheeses. How can this be bad? The recipe was straight forward: make a dough, roll it out very flat, crisp over high heat and enjoy.

Cattle Feed

Cattle Feed

There were a few ingredients in this recipe I’d never worked with before. First, pureed potato. The recipe didn’t say what kind, so I used Russett. Coming out of the food processor was something that was reminiscent of stuff I sprayed off of old dinner trays when I was the dishwasher at a rest home.

Second, rye flour. I did manage to track down rye flour at my local megamart. Maybe that was where I went wrong. Within the bag was a product that looked exactly like the grain we used to feed the cows to lure them into the barn to get milked.

Alien Crap Patties

Alien Crap Patties

Undaunted, I scraped the potato puree into a bowl, added the rye flour, salt and water. It didn’t really want to come together, but I forced it to. Grr. The recipe didn’t specify what kind of flour to roll the dough out with, so I used AP flour. Maybe i should have used rye flour. I don’t know, but they didn’t want to roll out. They either stuck to the rolling pin or they absorbed a cup of flour. I ended up with a bunch of something flat, foreign, and rather poo-looking.

By this point I was irritated, but determined. I fired up my skillet and went to town crisping the alien crap patties. I waited and waited. And waited. Aged a little bit. Got a gray hair.¬†And still the “flatbread” barely browned, barely crisped and wouldn’t even burn.

Norwegian Crap-kers

Norwegian Crap-kers

This is what I ended up with. Woody, floury, rye cardboard. Good with mild cheese? Whatevah. Good with Friday trash pickup. If I had a dog that I hated, I would feed him this flatbread.
So what can we learn from this culinary disaster? I wish I knew. Maybe rye flour is different in Norway than it is in Georgia? Maybe I had too much moisture? Not enough? The wrong rolling pin? The planets were not in line? Of course, for all I know this recipe was posted by some cheeky yahoo as a joke, and he’s sitting somewhere laughing his keister off thinking about all the suckers trying to make this flatbread! I guess this makes kung faux pas #4.
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